Timely Observation

Lee, on February: "goodbye, longest month of the year."

Sean: "Written like a true English major."

Meandering My Way Towards Ferninsters

In this post I speculated about what an Oz vs. Wonderland grudge match would be like.

Diversions of this sort are fun mental breaks. They can also be illuminative -- as Tolkien pointed out in his essay about faerie stories, "fables can depart from the physical world and the universe created, but not from the moral order: we can imagine a universe illuminated by a green sun..." His neologism "eucatastrophe" never made it into the OED (a publication Tolkien worked on), but I would like to have seen the term make it.

Just over two years past I asked some of my friends if they cared to extend the grudge match scenario.

Dear Patti started to pen a reply, but managed to hit the send key after pecking out only the letter "H."

I responded, "H is a fine, respectable letter Patti -- thank you for bringing it to our attention. It became a splendid friend of Eliza Doolittle's, and it was the harbinger letter of the book that introduced our weary world to Middle Earth. Well done."

She fired back, "Hahahaha! Sean, you fink! When I posted that message it said: 'Hilarious, Sean!' I can't explain what happened to the other letters between the time I hit the send button and the post hit the list. Well, this is one time Eliza Doolittle didn't drop her 'H'!"

But I knew what had happened to the other letters: "Clearly, they were swallowed by the Cheshire Cat -- who was in league with the Knave of Hearts. Naturally."

At which point Missy contributed, and brought my attention to the word ferninst.

"The word ferninst is a favorite of the Darby O’Gill series I am reading my 12 year old daughter. :-)

"The word is a survivor from dialects of Scotland, Ireland, and northern England, evidently brought over by immigrants from one or more of those places. According to the Dictionary of American Regional English, it is now heard chiefly in the Midland U.S. and is considered old-fashioned.

"And here is an election year application: A derived noun, ferninster, meaning 'someone who is deliberately contrary,' has also been used: 'The trouble with the Republican leaders in Congress...is that they are just ferninsters' (William Allen White, 1943).
Courtesy The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language: Fourth Edition. 2000"

I'm still not clear on what a ferninster looks like, but the word itself has a Carollian sound to it (c.f. jub-jub, frumious, brillig), and I would not be surprised if it made an unexpected appearance in times of duress from the Queen of Hearts.

Nacho Regular Cheese Experience!

Here's a tidbit from one of my recent projects: a bit of fun I dropped as an Easter egg into an internal file for a client in the food industry.

=======

This is Nacho Regular Cheese Experience!

In an effort to break the mold and brie ahead of the rest in this cottage industry, we've made munster efforts and worked our fingers bleu to fashion a fresh and tasty cheese phenomenon. You might have heard the cheddar on the social sites that this colby a gouda development for the business. No whey you say? Well it's true: our policy of "your swiss is our command" allowed us to move past biased, parmesan considerations. As a result, cheese-lovers are fondue of our product, and all the other fetas in the trade are green with envy. Our can-do approach is summed up in our motto of "where there's a wheel there's a way!" So roll on by and enjoy a slice of our latest offering.

The Missing Months

The company where I work was sold a few months ago. The new owners are a French outfit, and they've expanded our list of company-sponsored days off for 2010 (see below).

You’ll notice that there are gaps in March, April, June, and August. As a step towards a remedy, I added suggested days off that the company could sponsor in red (except for March’s day, which is green for reasons that I trust are obvious).

January
* New Year’s Day (Friday, January 1)
* Day After New Year’s Day (Monday, January 4)
* Martin Luther King, Jr. Day (Monday, January 18)

February
* President’s Day (Monday, February 15)

March
* St. Patrick’s Day (Wednesday, March 17)

April
* April Fools’ Day (Thursday, April 1)
* Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day
(as an extension of AFD) (Thursday, April 22)

May
* Friday Before Memorial Day (Friday, May 28)
* Memorial Day (Monday, May 31)

June
* Flag Day (Monday, June 14)
* Summer Solstice (Tuesday, June 22)

July
* Day Before Independence Day (Friday, July 2)
* Independence Day (Monday, July 5)

August
* International Beer Day (Thursday, August 5)

September
* Friday Before Labor Day (Friday, September 3)
* Labor Day (Monday, September 6)

October
* Columbus Day (Monday, October 11)

November
* Thanksgiving (Thursday, November 25)
* Day After Thanksgiving (Friday, November 26)

December
* Christmas Eve (observed Thursday, December 23)
* Christmas Day (observed, Friday, December 24)
* New Year’s Eve (Friday, December 31)

I circulated these at the office, and received a few responses.

Will offered these:
* St. George’s Day (Friday, April 23rd) – rationale: cause the Irish can’t have all the fun
* Bastille Day (Wednesday, July 14th) – rationale: we are now owned by French company
* International Talk Like a Pirate Day (Sunday, Sept 19th)

St. George led a fascinating life (thus his honorific of saint). He may have actually spent time in England too as a Roman officer. He was in the news a few years back because some Englanders thought they wanted a more contemporary figure, but the old patron weathered that storm.

July and September already have days; the exercise was to fill the gaps. Thus, Bastille Day is overkill (that seems an appropriate adjective for Robespierre’s handiwork), and though I’m sympathetic to Talk Like a Pirate Day, I suspect that if it were submitted it would be obliged to walk the plank.

Rebecca added a few as well:
* Public Sleeping Day (Sunday, February 28)
* Clean Up Your Room Day (Monday, May 10)
* National Relaxation Day (Sunday, August 15)
* Start Your Own Country Day (Monday, November 22)

I especially like this last one, and I already have my political campaign slogan in place: “To make the world safe for feudalism.” I already noted the benefits of such a system here. Think about it: bureaucratic red tape counts for nothing against the arbitrary decisions of an enlightened monarch.

All I ask is an open mind.

What are your ideas for days off?

Winter Quiz

Today's blog entry is a quiz of sorts. Your task is to see how many clues you can find in the photo below that indicate it's winter time. You have 30 seconds. Ready? Go!

Sean's Desk

Chess and Kings

Wednesday's sniffles turned into Thursday's head cold, so I stayed home from work. Around noon I passed time playing the Chess game that came installed on my home computer.

Computer Chess

It's been college since I played Chess with anything like serious attention, but with time on my hands I thought it would be enjoyable to review my matches with the computer to see where I could improve my game. I was out of luck, however: the Chess software is a simple version that does not allow me to review my matches. Bother.

I did some poking around online and came across an account of the Immortal Game between Adolf Anderssen and Lionel Kieseritzky in London in 1851, and was able to see the match played via animated GIF. It was better than nothing.

Anderssen was a 19th Century German Chess champ; curiously, we have the loser Kieseritzky to thank for publishing the account of the game. The Immortal Game was a skittles match which Anderssen won by using combinations that involved the sacrifice of his bishop, both rooks, and his queen.

Kieseritzky was dominating the match, and he became so focused on acquiring pieces that he neglected to protect his king. Anderssen, meanwhile, went for position, and maneuvered with his lesser pieces. Though outgunned and seemingly exposed, Anderssen's king was able to maneuver; Kieseritzky brought out his big pieces early, which meant that his king was hemmed in by his pawn line -- and this cost him the match. Chess players still study the game; it is the stuff of exciting play.

Moral of the story? Perhaps it would be: take care of the King if you want to win.

Viva Cristo rey!

Monday's Fortune

Lunch Monday was Chinese. Usually the fortunes are shallow or banal, but this one was an exception.

Monday's Fortune

Custom Cars

From Beth in NYC: the next time I have $25K burning a hole in my pocket...I want...No, I NEED my very own Cupcake Car: http://bit.ly/3BKlfC

Another great deal is the JL421 Badonkadonk Land Cruiser/Tank, on sale at Amazon for a mere $20k (plus tax, tags, title, shipping, and handling). Be sure to peruse the photo library and read the buyer comments at http://tinyurl.com/yd5esul

Sick Excuses

Today is Monday, which means it's time to break out the old list of sick excuses and see what might be brought to the fore.

The exercise of collecting sick excuses began during a project I was on earlier this year. I was facilitating a client meeting and had my laptop plugged in to the projector. Several attendees were giving a nod in the direction of fashionably late, and while I chatted with the on-time participants the conversation turned to the subject of humorous sick excuses. It seemed nearly everyone had a point of view on this, and as my computer was already being projected onto the white board, I started typing them in.

Here is where we began:
* Pregnant with quadruplets
* Dead
* Abducted by aliens
* My multiple personalities are misbehaving
* Call in rich
* I have a headache
* I’m washing my hair
* Out of the country
* Out of my medication
* The (WebEx) meeting has been canceled
* Today has been canceled (lack of demand)
* Trapped under something heavy (alternately, a bookcase fell on me)

The fad became an agenda item, and at the start of each meeting we could not begin until someone (often enough yours truly) came up with a new entry. Here is what the next several meetings yielded.
* Drowned on the way to the car
* Overheated
* I have a headache scheduled for this time
* Lice
* My aura has been siphoned off
* He’s off his rocker
* Swine flu

I admit to doing a bit of research for some of the topics, at one point even running an online search for "Epstein's Mother." But the truth is that the reasons just seemed to come to me. I don't know which muse would be the patron of sick excuses. Melpomene? Thalia perhaps?

Anyway, other people got in on the act too. One chap came up with these gems, which are noteworthy simply because he said they came from a former colleague who'd actually used them.
* My family was quarantined by the CDC.
* I was on my way to work, got stuck in traffic, and soiled myself.

Even after I rolled off the project the excuses kept coming in. For example, this one is a true story, and is definitely valid material for a sick excuse.

This one from Paul is in the wishful thinking department, and produced these excuses.
* Sorry, I cannot attend because I’m too busy castle-shopping.
* Sorry, I cannot attend because I was just appointed royalty.

What's your sick excuse?

Iced Coffee, etc.

My morning routine normally involved a tall glass of coffee, courtesy of the Starbuck's coffee machine in the employee break room.

This morning the office building's air conditioning was out, however, so instead of a glass of hot coffee I took a dear friend's suggestion and opted for iced coffee.

Office Coffee Machine

I added several cubes of ice, some creamer, a bit of sweetener, and went to work.

Prep for Iced Coffee

I was pleased with the results.

My Morning Wakeup Drink

For the record, next to the office coffee machine is the office kegerator.

Office Kegerator

What did you expect from a dotcom descendent?

High Cockalorum

The cockney expression "high cockalorum" occurs in two 19th-century English books of which I am aware: Dickens' Oliver Twist and Kingsley's The Water Babies. The latter I became acquianted with via the 1978 film of the same name, in which "High Cockalorum!" sees service as one of the songs -- you can watch the relevant portion of the film here.

The term "cockalorum" means a more-than-healthy bit of swagger; indulging in rodomontade; showing off. Which is a pity, because it makes such a good word for a happy kids' song.

A Conspiracy

I, Melvin P. Snodgross, with my keen intellect, have spotted a conspiracy. It is the conspiracy of A -- as in the letter "A."

Do you doubt me? That is unwise, for the proofs I shall produce are unanswerable.

Consider.

Of the seven continents on planet earth, the names of six begin and end with the letter "A." In alphabetical order, they are:
(1) Africa
(2) America, North
(3) America, South
(4) Antarctica
(5) Asia
(6) Australia
(7) Europe

Even the legendary lost eighth continent of Atlantis begins with the letter "A."

Do you not begin to see? What are the odds that six of seven of the names of the planet's continents should accidentally begin and end with the letter "A"? Clearly, there is a secret organization at work, some anonymous cabal with its own dark motives. This must be true, for happenstance cannot account for it -- no, far from it! A shadow organization has infiltrated our governments and schools of lexicography at the highest levels.

But have no fear, the time for action has arrived! I am leading the campaign to rename our continents, to end the nefarious dominion of the A People. No longer will we labor and toil under their iron hand; we shall rise up against them, and overthrow their terrible plot.

The new continent names shall be devoid entirely of the letter "A," and they shall be:
(1) Oomple (formerly Africa)
(2) Metroniggle (formerly America, North)
(3) Mismi (formerly America, South)
(4) Urktos (formerly Antarctica)
(5) Bunyipville (formerly Australia)
(6) Snodgrosston (formerly Europe and Asia)

Take heed, A People, your hour has passed!

- Uncle Mel

Drinking Questionnaire

In college my peers and I were exposed to the routine kind of drinking questionnaire that one expects from university health care departments: Do you ever drink alone? Have you ever blacked out? Do you drink to escape from your problems? etc.

That sort of questionnaire has its place, to be sure, but it also strikes me as being a bit academic and clinical. So, having in the course of my career adopted techniques from the ethnography school of research, I spoke with real alcoholics and inquired into what they think would make good questions to test for alcoholism based on their real-world experience. Below I’ve listed some of the statements I heard.

You might be an alcoholic if:
* You have ever been arrested while you were in jail.
* You have ever been run over by a car while you were driving it.
* You drive with an eye-patch to cure double vision.
* You have placed a bet on a bar fight.
* You have driven off with the cop car instead of your own car after avoiding being arrested for DUI.

Forewarned is forearmed.

This Date in History

Feast of the Annunciation

On this date in T.A. 3019, Frodo Baggins cast the One Ring into the Cracks of Mount Doom. This act precipitated the ruin of Barad-dûr and the fall of the Dark Lord Sauron, and the world was made brighter thereby.

Maireann croí éadrom i bhfad

Maireann croí éadrom i bhfad =
A light heart lives longest (in Gaelic)

Erin go bragh

Coming to Your Grocery Store Soon

Source

A German frozen food company tried to cash in on the American obsession with trendy fads and introduced into the market a new line of frozen chicken packaged with a curry dip.

The product is called "Obama Fingers."

See a photo of the new product here

The choice of name has produced plenty of squawking around the globe.

Rice Krispies Sushi

I've given sushi a fair hearing and decided it's not for me. I did, however, get a kick out of Rice Krispies Sushi -- made with Rice Krispies, marshmallows, Swedish Fish gummies, and Fruit Roll-Ups.

See http://www.seriouseats.com/recipes/2009/01/rice-krispies-sushi-recipe.html

Swiss Police and Google Earth

Source

Swiss police said Thursday they stumbled across a large marijuana plantation while using Google Earth, the search engine company's satellite mapping software. Officers seized over a ton of the plant (street value $780,000) that the farmers will perhaps claim they intended to use to fashion hemp rope (street value $10).

Yesterday I was talking to someone in the office about the early days of the DotCom era, when crazy activities were tolerated (and at times even expected). My colleague mentioned an outfit who served not just the normal cocktails at a company gathering, but illicit mind-altering substances. "I guess it's no different than serving alcohol, which we shouldn't do either," she concluded.

"I don't know," I said. "It's possible to drink without getting drunk, but it's not really possible to smoke pot or drop acid without getting high or tripping out."

Ah well, so much for moral equivalency.

Cheesy 80s Sword & Sorcery Films

Though I'm a Tolkien enthusiast, I was able to overlook the infidelities of the Jackson films and enjoy the movie trilogy. It could be that my enjoyment of the three films had as much to do with the terribly poor fare that preceded them as the quality of the productions -- after all, in my teen years I was subjected to a legion of awful 80s Sword & Sorcery flicks. Here's a sampling.

Hawk the Slayer (1980). Hawk is a swordsman out to right a wrong; his companions are a giant named Gort who carries a warhammer, an elven archer named Crow who can restring his bow between camera frames, a whip-wielding dwarf named Baldin that provides comic relief (a forerunner of Jackson's Gimli?), and a chap with a repeating crossbow. Chief villain Voltan -- Hawk's brother who is old enough to be his father -- is played by Jack Palance. The soundtrack carries echoes of old Clint Eastwood spaghetti westerns.

The Sword and the Sorcerer (1982). The hero is Prince Talon, a champion who is driven into exile as a lad; he bears a 3-bladed sword that can fire two of its blades like miniature rockets. Talon was played by Lee Horsley, and many fans of the genre thought Horsley's daring and reckless character was a better model for Howard's Conan than the brooding and wooden Schwarzenegger.

There were plenty of other bad S&S films from that decade:
* the made-for-TV Return of the King (1980) was worse than the 1978 Bakshi film, but it does include Mordor Orcs singing the memorably absurd Where There's a Whip There's a Way;
* for some reason Beastmaster (1982) sometimes still shows up on TV;
* as does Krull (1983);
* the atrocious Blademaster (1984) is just about lost in oblivion;
* Brigitte Nielsen falls short in yet another role as Red Sonja (1985);
* Dolph Lundgren dumbed down a dull He-Man in Masters of the Universe (1987);
* and I knew in the opening scene that I'd wasted my money on The Barbarians (1987).

Flawed but non-cheesy examples of the genre include:
* Excalibur (1981), a paganized look at the Arthur legend;
* Dragonslayer (1981), with Peter MacNicol playing an effeminate wizard;
* The Dark Crystal (1982), where Jim Henson's muppets get creepy (look for a 2011 sequel);
* Legend (1985), in which Ridley Scott put Tom Cruise to work as a beefcake character;
* The Black Cauldron (1985), Disney's sinister take on the Lloyd Alexander Prydain novels;
* Highlander (1986), the Christopher Lambert noir-ish cult-classic that introduced an Egyptian character who dressed like a Spaniard, wielded a katana, and spoke with a Scottish accent;
* Willow (1988), a special-effects-infested effort by George Lucas and Ron Howard.

Tree That Owns Itself

The town of my college alma mater is also home to a famous social landmark: the Tree That Owns Itself.

Tree That Owns Itself
Corner of Finley and Dearing Streets - Athens, GA

It turns out that the original tree fell about 100 years ago, but an acorn from the downed white oak was planted on the same spot and grew to its present stature. Some locals now refer to the younger oak as The Son of the Tree That Owns Itself.

Legend has it that the original landowner cherished childhood memories of the tree, and deeded the tree and all land within eight feet to the tree itself.

Legally this gratuitous act is a myth and has no merit -- outside of Middle Earth, a tree has no capacity to consent to receiving anything.

As even the ancient pagans knew, however, myths were meant primarily to nourish and exercise the imagination.

In nuce.