100 Prayers for Father

Palm Sunday

In 1959 Pulitzer Prize-winning Mount Holyoke professor Peter Viereck commented that "Catholic baiting is the anti-Semitism of the liberals" (i.e. American liberal intellectuals).

The success of Dan Brown's Da Vinci Code -- a badly-written novel that has all the historical integrity of the Protocols of the Elders of Zion -- is evidence of the point.

The individuals who are the easy and obvious targets for anti-Catholic and anti-clerical sentiment, with their uniform-like cassocks and white collars, are the parish priests. At least the priests have the fortitude to dress for battle.

If he is happy - he is a nuisance.

If he is grave and austere - he is bad tempered.

If he is handsome - why didn't he marry?

If he is ugly - nobody loved him.

If he is fat - he eats too much.

If he is thin - he is stingy.

If he is tall - he looks down on people.

If he is short - he looks like an altar boy.

If he owns a car - he likes material things.

If he walks - he is old fashioned.

If he goes to the cafe - he is a drunkard.

If he stays in the rectory - he is an introvert.

If he visits the faithful - he meddles in other peoples business.

If he stays in the Church - he doesn't care about the faithful.

If he visits the poor - he is a revolutionary.

If he delegates duty - he is lazy.

If he controls the activities - he is a tyrant.

If he teaches catechism - he is obsessed with hell.

If he doesn't teach - he doesn't like children.

If he preaches long sermons - he's boring.

If he preaches short sermons - he doesn't want to get tired.

If he makes comparisons with the life in the world - he blasphemes.

If he raises his voice - he screams.

If he speaks normally - you cannot understand what he says.

If he talks about Heaven - he is a modernist.

If he talks about hell - he is a Jansenist.

If he talks about the cross - he is an integrist.

If he asks for donations - he is greedy.

If he doesn't ask for donations - his bank account should be checked.

If he doesn't organize a party - the parish is dead.

If he speaks to the parishioners after Mass - he is not pious.

If he stays to pray after Mass - he is not interested in his parishioners.

If he keeps people in the confessional too long - he gets people tired and causes scandal.

If he hears confessions quickly - he does away with the Sacrament.

If he starts Mass on time - his watch is ahead.

If he fixes up the Chapel - he wastes people's money.

If he doesn't fix up the Chapel - he doesn't care about the Chapel.

If he looks after the youth - he wants them in the convent.

If he looks after the married couples - he does not care about vocations.

If he is young - he lacks experience.If he is old - he should retire.

If he is in between - he is in a critical age.

Do as he may - or even if he does nothing - he will never be right!

But if he leaves who will take his place?*

So starting next Easter Sunday I'll begin a new campaign: for 100 days -- from April 12 through July 21 -- I'll offer a daily rosary for my parish priest, for the Pope, and for all the priests from whom I have received the sacraments. You're invited to join me with a daily prayer of your own.

Hoc est bellum.

* My apologies for the lack of attribution on this list of Ifs; it's just something that made its way to my in-box one day. If someone can provide the source I'll gladly give credit.